Here Are The Weird
And Funny Things We've Seen
In A Traffic Jam
by Bill Flitter
There was a time when I commuted from San Francisco to Fremont, which took approximately 1.5 to 2 hours, each way, every day. I was slowly losing my mind going up and down 880 during the height of the dot-com era. There were days I would go see a movie after work, or have a long dinner, or I’d stay late at the office. Really, I’d do anything to avoid a traffic jam.
But most of the time I would join the queue of cars moving at a snail’s pace. During those times, it’s really easy to start checking out what the guy next to you is doing—and sometimes find him doing things you wouldn’t expect.
Did you know...
Traffic Jam Antics
If you run out of time to floss before you leave home, hey, why not do it in your car? Besides the obvious gross factor of flicking food chunks on your rear view mirror, it also looks repulsive to the people in cars next to you.
Maybe you had time to floss, but didn’t get to shave. Yep, I’ve seen people on the highway with electric razors trying to look like they didn’t just wake up.
Maybe you’re a woman and you don’t shave your face, but chances are you put on makeup. Yep, I’ve seen more than one woman apply makeup, lipstick, eyeliner, mascara, or what have you, while stalled in traffic.
Eating is a pretty common thing to do in your car. Many people snarf down fast food or maybe a banana or bagel that they grabbed off the counter on their way out the door. But some people take it to the extreme with a plate and fork.
Yep, I’ve seen drivers wolf down what looked like scrambled eggs off a regular plate with a fork. I’ve seen others eat cereal out of a bowl with a spoon. And I’ve seen that more than once.
People do this all the time: talking into speakerphone while still holding the phone! The law is “hands-free” not “hold it in your hand in front of your face while using speakerphone.” There’s a big difference.
The other thing about talking is, maybe they are talking to a passenger or a kid in the backseat. Regardless, the conversation has become animated and the driver starts talking with their hands. It’s like watching a conductor at the orchestra. Two hands on the wheel, people! I don’t care if you’re going 5 mph or 50 mph, focus on the road!
Did you know...
When it comes to singing in the car, there were some mornings when I watched people give full on concert performances. I’m not talking about casual lip synching or absentmindedly mouthing the words to your favorite songs.
I’m talking about full, open mouths with expressions like they are doing an Adele impression—”Hello from the outsiiiide!”—complete with arm movements, head shakes, and shoulder grooves. It’s like watching a American Idol while sitting in the driver’s seat.
Digging For Gold
People go knuckle-deep when they think no one is watching. I made up a game to guess what they were going to do with it after they pulled it out of the bat cave.
Usually, the booger is flicked out the window. Sometimes they just stare at their finger like they can’t believe that just came out of their nose. Occasionally it falls in their lap. Unfortunately, some just rub their fingers together in an attempt to be rid of it. Either way, I really wish I were talking about real gold instead.
If you are guilty of this habit or have terrible allergies, there’s way to clean your schnoz while maintainng your dignity. These handy tissue box holders are only around $12 on Amazon.
Over To You
In short, people do disgusting things in their car when they don’t think anyone is watching. And really, are you ever going to see that person again? Probably not—though you never know! In this day and age, everyone has a camera in their pocket, so don’t do anything in your car you don’t want made into a gif. It’s always a good idea to be conscious of what you’re doing in public. Are you guilty of any of these traffic jam antics?